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12/9/00

It's been one of those times, over the past few months. I've had up days, down days and in-between days. I've been through trouble, I've caused trouble, I've gotten bitten in the butt by trouble. Such is life.

That's the short version of what's been going on with me as of late. The slightly elaborated version:

1. School. As more than a few of you know, I serve as Student Director/Assistant for my school's band program. I got a lot more responsibility piled on me this semester and between the practices and the time it takes to commute, my sleep schedule has been jacked up to the nth degree. I've spent the better part of the past few weekends attempting to get some serious sleep. My lower back is killing me (isn't that the mantra of all internet junkies?).

2. My walk. As to be expected, as knowledge increases and growth occurs, so do struggles. Normally, that's a good thing. Unfortunately, when you're surrounded by unbelievers, it's not. Bad company corrupts good habits- ain't nuthin' I can do but admit that now. As any work-a-holic will tell you, when you overwork without the proper balance of rest, fellowship and feeding your spirit, you open yourself up to falling prey to some of those same sins you previously though you were ' past', especially if it's something that you've recently been dealing with. Let me tell ya a little story.

There's a website that I used to frequent where I served as a monthly commentator- the site is called the5thquarter.com. I'd been a part of the online community there since Jan. of 99, posting, giving my little commentaries (okay, my LONG commentaries) on bands I've seen, matchups with other bands we've had and so forth. Those who know me a bit more personally know that there's three things I can talk forever on- The Christian Faith, My Frat and Music/HBCU Bands. Like apologetics, discussions over ' whose band blew out whom' can get a person quite agitated (for those who don't know, the HBCU band world is quite competitive).

Of course, on a personal level (outside of everything else, including this site), I've been dealing with some personal issues related to my personal growth- and arguing bands back and forth with a bunch of 18-21 year olds (the majority of folks on the site) really didn't do much but drag me down to their level (in some cases) or have me losing patience, becoming irritable and easily agitated (in other cases). Not Christlike in either case. Combine a few factors (tired and irritable from school and commuting, people spreading false statements about our performance and programs and not feeding myself nor having much contact and fellowship with believers), and you have the makings of someone ready to say something stupid and embarrass himself AND make a bad witness.

It happened recently (late 11/00) during a conversation about Southern University and Grambling State University's performance on the board. Another member of the board brought up the fact that some of the same criticisms I mentioned about those bands are applicable to my own and proceeded to make false statements about my program. I responded back by calling him stupid (didn ' t realize how much weight that word carried....) during my responses to him (in all honesty, it wasn't the first time I called someone 'stupid', either....). The argument got heated (others got involved) and when he insulted me and I (against Biblical principles) responded back with an insult, the webmaster decided to kick us both off the board.

Of course, I realized (afterward...isn't it always afterward?) the results of my actions. What's really even MORE busted was that I'd been in a dialogue with a member of the Nation of Islam who is also on the board. I'm not TOO concerned about that particular dialogue, since he seems like one of those folks not really interested in ' the truth', so much as he's interested in promoting whatever he believes regardless. What I AM concerned about is the poor example that I set. A few people know I got the boot, the rest will probably attribute it to a leave of absence or something. Que cira cellery .

After some prayer later that night and a chance to calm down (still heated from the discussion and the personal attacks), I wrote the webmasters for the site an apology for my behavior, wished them well with the site and determined that I needed to distance myself from a lot of those discussions anyway. Not fruitful for me, ya know (see above)? I still felt heavy about the whole thing, though ­ until I talked to my best friend. She 'reminded' me- did I apologize to and forgive the person I was in the argument with?

She and I stayed up late. After I got off the phone with her around 3am, I was restless, despite being exhausted. I realized, of course, that the Lord was dealing with me and that this issue was something I had to take care of. So I got up, flipped on the computer, prayed, and wrote him. He wrote back later that day and cussed me out, stating the usual 'you paint yourself out to be some Bible toting Christian, but I know you're just the exact opposite, yada, yada, yada' type of invective. Honestly, something told me he wasn't going to be receptive. Those of you reading this who are believers know that this is nothing new- unbelievers always seem to carry the impression that Christians are supposed to be perfect, sinless, and so forth.

Later that day, when I told my best friend, she reminded me that I've done my job and (since only the Lord knows my heart), if my turning away from that pattern of behavior (repentance) was sincere, there is 'no condemnation ' (Romans 8:1, 1 John 1:9). Of course, I know that the Christian life is full of little (and sometimes BIG) contradictory actions by believers (James 3:8-12) because of the war between the flesh and the Spirit (c.f.- Romans 7) and that so-called ' sinless perfectionism ' is nothing but a pipe dream. I know that sanctification means (from a practical/temporal aspect) dying more to self each day and that no matter how much we become like Christ, we will never escape the constant flesh-spirit struggle that Paul speaks of in Romans 7. But sometimes, you need a little encouragement.

Then I happened to peep into my bag on my way to school yesterday. Of course, I love to read (and type too!), so I've made it a point to subscribe to quite a few journals, newsletters and such. One of them is the Christian Chronicles (http://www.webgrace.net). Well, as providence would have it, the Lord just happened to have put it on the heart of the webmasters and editors of the newsletter to deal with sin in the Christian life in that particular issue (the Nov. 15th issue).

Words cannot begin to express how blessed I was by this particular edition of the newsletter. I can't describe it, but the whole phrase 'no condemnation' (Romans 8:1) began to take on a whole new depth with me after the reading. I invite the reader to pop thru the site and check the issue for yourself- you can find the link directly to it at http://www.webgrace.net/cc.4.60.html .

I remain ever aware- even moreso now- of my own shortcomings and sins- both public and private. I realize that the only righteousness that I possess is that which Christ has provided for me and that nothing in me is righteous in and of itself (Phil. 3:9). The thing that unbelievers cannot and will not understand about Christians is that they aren't perfect- shucks, some Christians don't even understand that. Our fight- our WAR against the flesh that Paul so eloquently describes in Romans chapter 7, shall not be won in this lifetime by 'us'. We CAN, however, win the majority of battles which we endure on a daily basis. The WAR itself has already been won because of Christ's sacrifice and I, like every other believer, look forward to the day when the very creation will be redeemed from the curse of sin (Romans 8:19-21). One day we will be removed from the very presence of sin- so we won't even be tempted and will be incapable of sin!

But even with this, we are COMMANDED, to seek perfection on a daily basis- that is, to die to those things which are unpleasing to God and to constantly and continually submit our bodies (that includes our minds!) as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:2). This includes the renewing of our minds- what goes in is what's going to come out (c.f.- Matt. 15:19). Feed your mind the word of God and the word of God is what will come out (Psalm 119:11). This continuous process- of sinning less day by day- is the ongoing process of daily sanctification which every believer should NEVER neglect or take lightly. To do so leads to opportunities for sin to creep in.

I hope that my 'example', both the negative and the positive aspects of it, can be a blessing and an encouragement to other believers reading this missive.

3. Theological shift. As many of you who keep regular contact with me know (or have been reading my personal website), my soteriological position (doctrine of salvation) has shifted from moderate Arminian (which is what most believers are today including some of you reading this) two years ago, to four point Calvinist (early last year), to 4.5/4.75 point Calvinist (mid-2000) and eventually to full 5 point Calvinist as of 12/00 this year. I've come to this point not as a result of the commentaries and authors I've read, but because upon examination of scripture, I believe this is what it teaches. I mentioned it in a previous epistle, but looks like I'm 'there' now.

4. Stuff to pray for me about. The semester's drawing to a close and most of my motivation for going to class is almost shot. I've managed, by God's grace, to scrape up enough energy (and money) to keep going. As I'm updating this site, I've got about two or three more assignments due and one big final exam (Biological Science) along with a jury (musical performance before members of the music department demonstrating my musical growth over the course of the semester) that I'm nowhere near prepared for.

1. Pray that the Lord leads me to some good, solid like-minded believers to fellowship with- both in person and on the net. I think this prayer has been partially answered (even as I began typing this message) by my sister in Christ, JD, pointing me to http://www.thejesusproject.com.

2. Employment. On December 22, my job at Bowie ends. Oh yeah, for those who don't know, since the last update, a week and a half later, I quit Kinko's because they were unable to work with my schedule for school. I scraped and scratched for two months until I found a job on campus working in Bowie's Office of Information Technology at the help desk. For the meantime, that means no work over the holiday break. I need funds to keep afloat. I'll have one more check coming in, and then I'll possibly be working there again in the Spring (depending on my student teaching schedule). In the meantime, I'll need something to do over the break- I ' m considering going back to Kinkos'.

3. Best friend #1 - her grandmother passed recently, so keep her and her family in prayer. Her and her grandmom (who was a very wonderful woman) were close and there are times she misses her grandmom. Granny knew the Lord, so she's beaten all of us home (which is good). She's been heading through bouts of insomnia as of late, and despite my exhaustion from school, I've still tried to stay up with her as much as possible (although sometimes, I beat her to sleep).

4. Student Teaching. I'm going for my interview for admission to teacher education AND my student teaching interview on Wed. 12/13. Pray for me that all goes well between now and then.

Okay, this is five pages TOO long. Time to shut up. See you next month

BTW- I lost my personal journal a month ago. I know it's a long shot, but pray that it suddenly 're-appears', m'kay? There's a year and a half of material in there that reflects my growth and I'd like to 'keep it around' for reflection when I get older one day.

In Christ,
Kerry

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