Hating Sin and Desiring God: Signs of Christian Maturity In Relationships and a Quest for Purity
Kerry Gilliard
Theologically Correct dot Com Ministries

"Every article I've written has been put upon my heart to convict me first among others whom I wish to serve. By God's grace alone do I write these words in the hope that they will keep some brother or sister from making the same mistakes that I already have made." - K. Gilliard, 2001

When I originally wrote this piece, the Lord used it to set a spark underneath of a few dozen folks I know (myself included). Others forwarded it along as my personal testimony in the area of relationships. Since then (and it's only been three months or so), I've grown more. I've finally taken the time to put together a 'cleaned up' and expanded version of this- hopefully, if you've been through a relationship with an unsaved person or even with a believer who wasn't 'growing' and whose influence was drawing you 'backward' in your walk with Christ, this will give you something to meditate on.

At the beginning of the year, I encountered something which I now KNOW to be a definite sign of growth in Christ. I 'found' it over the course of two days earlier this year when in contact with some old friends and while meditating on the Word of God. There exists in me now, a loathing- a pure DISGUST, for secular relationships the way they are carried on (aka 'the dating scene'). Let me relate to you all a story.....

One friday night in January (2001), one of my ex-girlfriends gave me a hollar on my cell phone. Now let me give you some background- in the latter part of last year (2000), I dealt with some severe issues relating to two of my ex-girls, mostly in relation to sex. While it had been a long period of time (months) since I'd been with either of them intimately, I maintained contact with both of them as 'friends'. Really *smile*. Despite doing things outside of God's will, I did manage to develop some decent friendships with them. Well, I was only fooling myself. Both of them existed as ever-present temptations and I knew well that both were just one phone call or car ride away. Paul spoke wisely when he said "DO NOT BE DECIEVED: BAD COMPANY CORRUPTS GOOD HABITS" (1 Cor. 15:33). With that, I decided to withdraw myself from the presence of both women.

Now, I'd been keeping my distance from this particular woman as part of my committment to 'cut off some legs and eyes that cause me to stumble' (Matthew 5:29-30). However, keeping in contact with her or 'hearing' something about her every once in a while was kind of inevitable (since she's in my fraternity's sister organization), but for the most part, I didn't talk to her unless she called me.

Well, that one particular night, she gave me a call- just to talk and see what I've been up to. It'd been a few weeks since I'd talked to her at length (or at all!), so I figured I'd be nice and not just kick her to the curb. We talked for a few, then I had to bounce, so I told her I'd call her back. Being the nice guy that I am, I called her back about an hour later. She informed me she was on the phone with someone new who now had 'priveleged status' (the same status I used to have when she and I dated). To make a long story short, I asked who, she informed me it was someone I knew from another fraternity. I found out it was someone I knew from another internet discussion board I used to hang out on (my ex now hangs out on a related discussion board, which is how she ran into him).

From the time she told me who it was, a feeling of disgust overwhelmed me at even the thought of HER. I told her 'eeeuuww!! That's nasty!'. She didn't understand my reaction, so of course, she asked why. I said 'well, he used to date/sleep with an old girlfriend of mine before I dated her (from about 4 years back)'. She responded 'yeah? and?'. I thought to myself 'oh yeah, you don't view sex the same way I do.' I told her 'well, if that don't look nasty to you....'. We parted ways, and I proceeded to erase all of my digital records of her cell phone number and home number. I'm not talking to her anymore.

My feeling of disgust wasn't so much about her being with someone else, but in the fact of all this 'mixing of essences', so to speak.... Let's take a trek to scripture for a second: Paul speaks on this very topic in 1 Corinthians 6. He writes:

"....Now the body is NOT for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? CERTAINLY NOT! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For 'The two," He says, "shall become one flesh." But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him. " (1 Cor. 6:13b, 15-17, NKJV).

The power of these verses (among others) hit me over the head with the force of a runaway train that night- not that I didn't already know this, but it hit me AGAIN- as if for the first time. Those of you in the body of Christ who are sexually active outside of marriage- consider this: everyone you sleep with, you literally 'become one' with that person in essence (that is, on a spiritual level as well as a physical level), which is why God calls adultery, fornication and ALL sexual sins 'abominations' (thoroughly disgusting, repulsive and hideous to put it lightly) in 1 Cor. 6:9-10.

Consider something further (which I've written about in part on my ministry website): Every covenant in scripture is consumated/initiated with blood. In the garden of Eden, God killed animals and used their skins as coverings for Adam and Eve. In the wilderness, Abraham found a ram to sacrifice in place of his son. With Moses, we have the Levitical priesthood (Lev. 17:11). All of these culminated in the greatest sacrifice- Christ shedding His blood as the offering in the place of the believer in the New Testament (Luke 22:19-20, 1 John 1:9, c.f. Hebrews 9:19-28). The marriage covenant is the same- it is an agreement (covenant) between two or more parties (God-Husband-Wife). It is initiated by a blood sacrifice (take a guess).

So who are we- finite creations- to take what God blessed and ordained as good in the garden of Eden, spoke of approvingly in an entire book of scripture (Song of Solomon), said and husband and wife shouldn't deny each other except for short periods of fasting and praying (1 Cor. 7:5), said is 'honorable and that the bed is undefiled' (Heb. 13:4)- who are we to use the excuse of 'cheap grace' (sin and repent, sin and repent, repeat ad infinitum) to defile and abuse what God has labeled holy, sacred and honorable? Who are we to enter into 'half-covenants' which expire as soon as we lose interest in the other person's body?

Selah.

Over the past few months, the Lord has blessed my personal growth in Christ with more and more things and people to aid and support me. My view of relationships has been radically changed over the past few months (partly due to Josh Harris's books 'I've Kissed Dating Goodbye' and 'Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship' - http://www.joshharris.net), but even before all of this, I've been gaining more and knowledge of the biblical doctrine of sexuality.

As I said before, every article I write (including this one) is a result of the Lord convicting me about my own falling short in a particular area. Part of me looks at myself with that same level of disgust because of my past sexual relationships - not because I still carry the guilt of what I've done in the past, but because of what I've lost since then. The purity of sex and what it represents was designed by God to be GOOD (yes, 'GOOD' in that way), but it was designed for a husband and wife.

I think of all the bits and pieces of emotional and physical intimacy that I've WASTED on people who are now no more than memories (or even worse - SCREEN NAMES on AOL) that I have no intention of returning to, nor they to me. I think of all the times I've allowed myself to grow emotionally close to others too soon and too much (all without a REAL commitment, since the only REAL and LASTING commitment is marriage) only to come away with baggage. I think of all the people I've used for my emotional and physical gratification, even with 'good intentions' and realize it was all in vain. I think of all the times I've said 'those three words' and ended up separated from that person later on.

I know that the blood of Christ cleanses me from all sin (1 John 1:9) and that my salvation is secure in Christ and cannot be 'lost'. I know that unconfessed sin and habitual sinning as a 'lifestyle' hampers my fellowship and stunts my spiritual growth and daily sanctification. So in those areas, I'm pretty much skraight. I don't harbor guilt- I grieve. And when I think of my ex and other friends like her whom I still have some related contact to and what they're all putting themselves through, I grieve for them too.

What do I see out of this whole thing? Well, I see some good out of this. First off, to have a disgust for things which God calls bad and an abomination is a good thing. My field (music education) usually has me listening to the radio for stuff to write up for the marching and pep bands, but even today, I found myself flipping more and more to the Christian stations just to keep from hearing some of the trash pumped over the radio (from a musician's standpoint, most of that stuff today is vaccuous anyway....). That is a manifestation of a desire for something godly.

I find myself (and thankfully my best friend Melvin is praying for this too!) now praying that God take out people out of my life who will not contribute to my growth in Christ. I've been on this track for quite a while now, since a few of you (who know me personally) know about me cutting ties with folks and the related stresses there over the past few months. Now I find in myself, a desire for relationships the way God views them - brotherly and with respect, protection and purity toward members of the opposite sex, being careful not to awaken passion before its' time (Song of Sol. 2:7- that's emotional AND physical).

I am learning- daily- to find my JOY and satisfaction in God and not in the emotional pleasures of having a member of the opposite sex stroke my ego for a while. Many believers, still stuck on the world's system of doing things, grow discontented with the gift of singleness and rush off to marriage or into unhealthy or sometimes unequally yoked relationships (2 Cor. 6:14-18) with people who deter them from serving God. While I sometimes do still deal with being 'alone', I realize that contentment with whatever state we are in - whether it be 'single' or 'married' (there is no 'dating' in the Bible, but that's another article for my website....*grin*) is a blessing from God (1 Cor. 7:27,32-34). If you are not satisfied or 'complete' serving God single, you won't find that 'completeness' being married to someone.

I say all this to say - I am learning to desire God.

I hope this little 'soapbox sermon' serves to show a few of you some things you haven't seen before and awaken a desire in you to serve God and truly DESIRE Him and His righteousness. When you start getting there, you begin to view as evil what God views as evil. You begin to view as good what God views as good. You grow a desire to serve Him. Pray for it. Seek it. Hunt for it. Search the scriptures daily and diligently for it.

And know this- God will bless your growth in Christ beyond anything you can possibly conceive. And when HE puts that person in your life who has that same desire for God that you do and you both become one, you can not only enjoy serving God together, you can truly enjoy EACH OTHER the way God intended.

Delight yourself in THE LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart, says David in Psalm 37:4. Read that closely and think about it- if your delight is in the Lord, your desires will be to those things which are well pleasing to God- your desires will be to do His will (NOT YOUR WILL!). If the desires of your heart are the same as the desires of God, who's the winner?

Selah.

Kerry Gilliard is the Founder/Director of Theologically Correct dot Com Ministries in Maryland. His website is dedicated to articulating and defending the Christian faith and promoting a Christian worldview. You can reach him at http://theologicallycorrect.com.